It stuck out like ... the sore thumb that it was

By Tammy Malgesini

Staff Writer

Published on March 22, 2017 7:07AM

I recently spent a week firmly planted on my daybed with my right hand wrapped in an icepack resting on a pile of pillows.

I’ve had issues with my thumb joint and it really flared up 10 days ago. It was so swollen and painful — it basically stuck out like a sore thumb.

I couldn’t even hold a book, much less write or type. I watched TV, more DVDs than I can count and then even more TV. It got tiresome.

I was ready to stick a needle in my eye. But I couldn’t hold one with my right had and I certainly would have missed with my left hand.

At one point, my shoulder started aching — likely due to the awkward position I had to maintain in order to keep my hand elevated. I had an icepack on my hand and a heat pack on my shoulder. If I was a horse, I risked being put down.

The diagnosis: Gout.

I had a gout attack in my big toe about 20 years ago. I should have recognized the pain. For anyone who has experienced it, I’m preaching to the choir — it’s excruciating.

The doctor said gout is caused by high uric acid levels, which is related to intake of foods high in purines. Just like with the previous attack, I’m baffled because I don’t think I eat excessive amounts of foods that fall in that category.

After several days of torture, my sarcastic sense of humor was in prime form. Luckily, most of my musings were only heard by my dog and the four walls of my daybed room.

However, there are some things that I pondered while lying there that continue to take space in my head — like, who came up with the “Enjoy the go” ad campaign for Charmin. That’s just weird.

But seriously, it gets worse — they have an app. It’s the SitOrSquat app. I don’t even wanna go there, but evidently in a quest for clean public restrooms, people can access the app to know where to go, literally.

And, I don’t even know where to start with advertisements for Devour frozen meals by the Kraft Heinz Company. Although I grew up with “Leave It To Beaver” and “The Brady Bunch,” I’m no prude. The commercials are as spicy at their Chicken Enchiladas Suiza. “Food you want to fork.” Golly gee Wally, that’s kinda racy.

Before this next digression, I want to make it clear that I fully understand how difficult weight loss can be. I have my own struggles, which is maybe why my dark humor comes out. Oprah has been touting the benefits of Weight Watchers after recently losing more than 40 pounds.

I told my husband, “If Oprah had kept all the pounds off that she has lost over the years, she would be at her birth weight.”

Anyway, back to the gout — my doctor said it could have stricken that particular area because of recent overuse and arthritis in one of the bones in my thumb joint. The x-ray was so clear, I could have diagnosed it.

Evidently, when that bothers me enough it will need to be fused. If and when that day comes, I’ll need some recommendations on movies to watch — I don’t know if I can handle another overdose of regular TV and commercials.

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Tammy Malgesini is the community editor. Her column, Inside my Shoes, includes general musings about life. Contact her at tmalgesini@eastoregonian.com or 541-564-4539.

True confessions: The writing’s on the wall

By Tammy Malgesini

Staff Writer

Published on March 7, 2017 10:23AM

I think of myself as a fairly law-abiding citizen.

Other than speeding on occasion, I pretty much try to live according to things outlined in the 10 Commandments.

Maybe you’re a bit confused by my use of the words “fairly” and “pretty much.” I was relatively comfortable with my status as a decent human being until a recent office discussion was met with a moment of silence and blank stares.

I came late to the conversation so I’m not sure the level of true confessions my officemates were revealing. I shared about the time I broke into a house.

Before you call the police, double-check your alarm system or get a guard dog, let me explain. It was a friend’s house — yeah, yeah, I know, with friends like that ....

When Suzanne Tosten didn’t show up for work or answer her phone, I finally drove to her place. It was dark and quiet — you know, how you would expect to find a house if no one was home.

Clearly, I watch too much TV and my imagination ran wild. A painstaking process, I finally removed the window — only to end up dropping it.

Once inside, nothing looked out of the ordinary. There was no note (as if I write one when I leave the house).

It turns out that Suzy, her husband and dogs went on a Sunday drive in the mountains and got stuck in the snow. Out of cell phone range, they found a cabin, broke in and hunkered down for the night.

Appreciative to find a warm and dry place to stay, Suzy left a note and some cash at the cabin when they left.

And, I paid to replace Suzy’s window. I credit my parents with teaching me about honesty and doing the right thing.

Although, even with the best of parenting, kids start to make their own decisions and choices. Sometimes, it takes making a mistake and dealing with the consequences to learn lessons in life. Such was the case when I drew on the bathroom stall at school — evidently, they call it vandalism or graffiti.

I was in second grade and was using the restroom in the junior high part of the building. There was writing on stalls and walls. In my 7-year-old mind, I thought it was what the bigger kids did — so I wanted to do it, too.

Obviously I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. I very neatly and clearly wrote my first and last name. It didn’t take authorities long to track me down. My punishment included scrubbing down the entire area.

However, in recent years, I seem to have reverted back to my second grade self. Whenever I go home to visit my parents, I write on doors, under shelves and in drawers.

The first time I did it, I wrote a message to my mom because she was feigning being upset that I hadn’t bought her a Mother’s Day card. Instead of cleaning it off, they left it there. My pops even painted around it when they re-painted the room.

Since then, it’s become a bit of tradition — I’ll write messages in obscure places and it’s like an Easter egg hunt. By the way mom, if you’re reading this — did you check under the toilet seat?

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Tammy Malgesini is the community editor. Her column, Inside my Shoes, includes general musings about life. Contact her at tmalgesini@eastoregonian.com or 541-564-4539.